heiruspecs tour diary: road update

Full disclosure by Steve McPherson: Twinkie Jiggles is my brother, but that only means that I have a full appreciation of just how funny and entertaining his tour diaries can be. Any and all bands who tour are hereby invited to submit tour diaries of their very own to musiceditor@pulsetc.com, as I think this is a fantastic way to get a little slice of life on the road. So now onto Twinkie’s latest from the road.

Thu., Nov. 3, 2005
Heiruspecs, in one sense, has been together for 8 years and one month. But, in another sense, we've been together for two minutes. We are maneuvering around St. Paul picking up the last member of Heiruspecs. We are leaving for a one-month tour opening for founding Pharcyde member Tre Hardson. The tour is called "Slimkid's Liberation Tour." In my world, the tour is called, "Hi, I'd Like To Request a Balance Increase?" 2005. Gas is expensive, these rap kids are cheap and I don't stay fat for free. Heiruspecs is about overnight drives, killer trips to Subway, drink tickets (not free beer), and we all think Jennifer Tilly is attractive. We will start this tour driving straight to Colgate University in New York State. Colgate is a magnet for polo shirts, Keystone Light, and Saabs. We will be meeting up with Tre Hardson in Philly on Tuesday. But we're going to play this one without him.
We get to Colgate on time, which I think shocks everyone at the college. As a 111 lb. male freshman plugs in a huge PA backwards I get the feeling that we might be on our own as far as audio fidelity goes. I've met very few bad fat soundguys. The plot thickens as we learn that thousands of bands we've never heard of are on the bill. But I've heard of Grand Buffet. Sick Pittsburgh '80s disco rap combined with an Adult Swim sense of humor. Lord Grunge and Grape-a-Don [of Grand Buffet] arrive in their nice-ass car and we cuddle and laugh.
The stage manager/sound guy/sole contact guy is everyone's best friend, which means that we'll be going up super late. But honestly, what's late and what's early? Lord Grunge, [Heiruspecs drummer] Peter Leggett and me go to the dining hall and re-enact the Fat Boys all-you-can-eat Sbarro bonanza as seen in the classically terrible film, "Krush Groove". Um, my brother's the music editor of this paper so he'd take this out if it's not true, but I will eat anything. But this food is crappy. Maybe the teachers [at Colgate] are good, or paid well or something, but honestly, turn that grill on and let's see some veggie burgers and patties.
Grand Buffet's music for me is secondary to the never-ending tirades they push out of their mouths between songs. While accompanied by their sampler that has famous DMX lines on cue, they explained they were honored to be playing at the college where the Red Hot Chili Peppers went to high school. I am standing up and laughing my half-clean ass off.
The night goes longer and longer and people who came to see us are starting to leave cause they still like liquor more. By the time we get up, the hardcore Heiruspecs people are here. They number about 18 and that's fine with us. We put on a passionate show and have fun. Even though the college is paying us, we all ask for places to stay 'cause Colgate leaves something lacking in the affordable hotel realm.

New Rule: The girl on acid will say you can stay at her house. But you can't.

Sat., Nov. 5–Mon., Nov. 7
Saturday through Monday we are in Williamstown, Mass., where I was born. I spend days listening to my iPod; walking around where my elementary school used to be; looking at the first place I ever tried to smoke pot, third place I ever kissed girl, best pizza place, favorite record store, field where I cried, house where I lived, people I grew up with. I was raised in a town that made it real hard to be an artist. It was sports, academics and maybe classical music. But playing guitar in bands wasn't the social climb it was in the Twin Cities. Heiruspecs went and played at my old high school on Monday primarily because I want to communicate any way I can that you can make art of any kind happen no matter where you're born. You might have to move, you might have a harder time than someone born in a city, but everyone can try to make art. I see a bunch of my old teachers and a bunch of my old friends who are now teachers here. I am weirded out. I have a lot of hard memories of being a boy here.

Tue., Nov. 8
Robert Skoro begins and ends Philadelphia for me. We will sleep in his house, we will drink on his roof. He will sell merch for us. We are playing at a club called the Fire that we have played at before. The first day of tour is always confusing but this one trumps them all. On this tour we're opening for Tre Hardson but they've opted to have us headline this one. We are told that Tre Hardson will not have any equipment with him and they need to use ours. As we struggle through most of this and are trying to figure out set times I am mainly just reading an industry magazine that tells us exactly how many people paid to see particular artists on particular nights. So, the truth is out: Dave Matthews Band is very popular. Fat Joe, not so much. I do a lot bit of the starstruck thing when I meet Slim Kid Tre from the Pharcyde. Classic. Tre Hardson is very nice and without any kind of star-like pretension. We play our show and a lot of people actually stick around for us and we get some props. We get dropped off at Rob Skoro's and drink too much rum on the roof. It's windy and people without lighters are kind of screwed.

Wed., Nov. 9
Ithaca, NY tried to ruin Slimkid's Liberation Tour. We got put up in this killer bed-and-charge-you-extra-for-breakfast that this super-eager music-fan guy runs. Pretty much from meeting this guy I learned tons about how he felt about everything in regards to the funnest bands, the bunk he built for Antibalas and other stuff that isn't on the iPod I was awkwardly holding like some sort of conversation ender. We played to the nine people that were there and they were very supportive. A girl talked to me for a long time and we were leaning into each other and laughing. She mentioned she was dating the bartender. I looked over and he looked as angry as a guy with a ponytail and a beard can look. He looked like the girl version of Chuck Norris. I opted to pass on the rest of my drink and talk to my computer instead. I slept in the weird house.

Thu., Nov. 10
New York City's best quality is being not Ithaca. Its worst quality is it being pretty hard to park. At 6 p.m. we unload into the club and I meet the first guy who ever booked a Heiruspecs show in NYC. He gave us the show because I was honest about how many people I could get into the door. That's the first and last time honesty has helped me in the music industry. The rest of the night we're just dealing with finding places to stay and hanging out with all our New York friends. Even if one doesn't have New York friends, you will, because people move there every year. I probably won't move to a city where my rent would triple and every salad bar would be pay-per-pound. But for two nights I'm with it. Our set goes well and there's a bunch of people here to see us. After that I pay exorbitant prices to drink little bits of liquor drowned in soda water. In the end I work it out to stay at an NYU dorm with a girl we met on tour in Champaign. I kind of thought an NYU dorm was a ticket to fun, although it never was when my girlfriend went there a couple years ago. Turns out the girl went home shortly after our set and was just down to let me into sleep by the time I got there. We walked into her room and she asked me how I felt about sleeping on the top bunk.

Rule 2 - Keep the fat, drunk guy on the floor or as close to the floor as possible.

She violated Rule 2 and parked me on the top bunk. I may or may not have woken up and peed in the bathroom but not necessarily the toilet. I may have definitely cleaned it up though. So be cool.

Sat., Nov. 12
Boston, Mass., is the blueprint for annoying white people. If they lose the rest of us, they won't lose a beat. It's time for Boston to burn. It's been around for too long. The club obviously hates the fact that our friends came and we didn't put them on the guest list and that we have a draw in Boston. We did an interview with Harvard radio in our van because we couldn't make it to the station and the club wouldn't let them in cause they're youngins. The club sounds great and I see a bunch of friends from my hometown as well as some newly re-located Heiruspecs fans. Tre Hardson plays for a really long time and people only get into it when they get really drunk and he plays Pharcyde songs. Go Bruins. I buy chicken wings that cost $35 a piece and go to sleep in the corner of a hotel room full of Heiruspecs.

Sun., Nov. 13
Hartford, Conn., is located right near places where people like good rap. But Hartford is a pocket all its own. There are approximately 15 openers and with the show starting at 6 p.m., we the tour openers don't get onstage until 9:30. There are literally two stages going full of openers. And people are super-psyched about them. Everyone's got their posse of friends and it means a well-attended show but Heiruspecs plays to about 19 people. And this place can fit like 1400 people. I don't even think Hartford can fit that many people. The staff likes us. We sell some CDs. A girl we know gives us flowers from the gas station next door. It's too bad they didn't have cards that say "Sorry about Hartford". And then my brother wrote me and said the Pulse needs an article and I started cleaning all this stuff up so I can send it before I leave for Canada tomorrow. ||